When Silence Resonates Loneliness. (Guest Post)


Alone. Being alone is the worst feeling ever. But it does not necessarily mean that you have to feel lonely just because no one is around. You can be alone standing there in a bunch of people. No matter how many people are around you, you can still feel lonely.

And that's what I've been feeling lately. Lonely. I have so many people around me to love me, to take care of me, to accompany me but it just isn't the same. I still can't shake this feeling away. Like there's something missing. Like there's some vital part of me that has gone missing. I've even trying to figure out what is this missing piece but all I've been coming up is with nothing. A big empty whole in my mind. Why can't I figure out what's missing? Why can't I answer myself? I should know myself better, no? One should be familiar with what they feel and why they feel like that. Then why is it that I find myself battling with my emotions? Why is that I can't seem to come up with an answer? Because about one thing I am certainly sure. There's something missing inside that has stirred up this feeling of loneliness inside me.

When I read books about people being in love and how perfect they are for each other and how always in the end they find their way back. Reading something like this always stirs some emotions inside me. Like I could feel my stomach tightening at whatever is it that I feel. Like my subconscious mind keeps hitting me at the back of my head, hinting towards the answers of the gazillion questions I have running through my mind. But perhaps my stubborn mind doesn't want to wake up and realise the fact that I've known the answer to my questions all along. Because it would take too much of me to let my guard down and accept that I know what has been missing all along since those feelings kicked in. So to shove the thought away, my mind started making excuses and delays became it knew that my heart wasn't ready yet. Thoughts like 'maybe I should stop reading novels that have romance or anything related to love and the feeling of being loved' rush to my silly mind every time a sickening thought kicked it's way in. Yes. A sickening thought I called it. Why? Because that's how I want to look at it as.

I was in love. Still am. But heck, I don't think I'm old enough to know what love really means. Oh, wait. No one ever knows what love actually means. Because you just can't describe it. It's like explaining someone why the sky and the ground can't meet. Or maybe I am exaggerating but this is my point of view and I'm going to stick to it. I don't know if the love I feel is real or not because at times I feel the same for another person. And to tell you something interesting, I haven't even met that person. Now something even more interesting, that person doesn't even know I bloody exist. So that makes me what? A teenager with an obsessive compulsive disorder or someone who cannot keep her emotions and feeling and most importantly hormones under control? Well, if you ask me, I'd rather call myself an utterly massive idiot for even feeling something like that for someone who doesn't even know exist and for someone who has millions and billions of girls falling over him because he's that much famous. I told you all something majorly embarrassing so now I think I have to say something for you all to let that roll of laughter die down. But for some of you, I still might be an idiot. Anyways, I can't really tell if the actual person I am in love with is really "love" because when I read something utterly heart melting, that person's face flashes through my eyes and I can't help but let that smile appear on my lips. I know it's totally wrong to hold on to someone who is someone else's even after you told him how you feel. I know it's wrong to smile like that on the mere sight of seeing their face flash across your eyes. But at the same the feeling is totally right. Because in that moment you know there's someone that you've give your heart to. You know you love that someone with all the power that there is inside you because in that one moment, you're happy. So maybe what I feel for that other person is nothing but a mere obsession. Even if I decide to picture the other one there beside me, all I can come up is with the same image of my someone. And it makes it hard to concentrate on.. The other one.

A part of me tells me to stop and move on because it realised how wrong this all is holding on to someone who isn't even mine. But is it my fault that I am so much in love that every time I try to think about someone else or picture myself with anyone other than him, I just can't. That part of me tells me that I have made a grave mistake my placing my heart in the palm of that someone and giving him every power to crush it, to break it into tiny millions pieces. But the other part of me screams at me that he has already done that. He has broken my heart before I even realised I gave it to him. He said no even before I asked him to. Does that make me a pathetic lover? I still am waiting for that moment where I would feel true happiness of being loved in return by the person I'm in love with. And someday, God knows when, but someday I will feel that pure happiness rushing through my veins and making me cheeks go wider and wider. Because in that moment, I will get to know the meaning of happiness. 

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A guest post written courtesy of  a very good friend, Neha Batool. She likes writing, reading and making her opinions stand out through these mediums.

Read her first ever attempt at a fan-fiction, short story, that has gotten many to bow down to her talents, here: Break The Walls. 

Side Note:  She is effortless when it comes to being cute!

Give her some love, ya'all. 

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