I think I am going to have a breakdown. I am going to either internally diminish in a way that only the flesh remains, or have both my soul and flesh destroyed at the same time. Either way, it spells doom for me.

I have been living on hope for so long that its starting to suffocate my very existence. And I have reached a point where total suffocation has made me realize that I never had any  hope to begin with. It was just wishful thinking on my part that saw the great blooming poison as a way out, and seek it.

Ironic, isn't it. I was advancing towards death with every breath I took. Making me realize that its  not death that calls us, but us. Only some, like me, idiot as they are, run towards it. I like to believe I do it cause I am a coward in thoughts and character. I have no moral standings. I am just a body with a name.

And now all sense is seeping throw my hands like water does. I can not contain the disgust, the filth. It lives and reeks under my nose and in my lungs and I don't know what anything else smells like anymore. It's all the same.

I can't cry either. Not truly. I  may shed tears for hours, but simply shedding tears is not what crying is. My insides scream, but they are too caged by that disgusting smell to be heard. I am growing weak, weaker and tired. My mind has exhausted. The nerves slithering on my brain wilting yet strengthening their dry, piercing grip around my brain as they create pain...

Oh! It pains so bad yet I feel nothing.  I yearn for meaningful pain, now. I truly do.

I beg YOU and you and you to give me my senses back. So I smell again, and feel again.